Q: We've decided to allow our teen son (he's 14) to have a cell phone. What kind of rules for it do you recommend? Also, our 12-year-old wants a cell phone, he says that it isn't fair that his brother gets one and not him. Do you think we should get him one, too?
A: First, no, I don't think that the 12-year-old should have his own cell phone unless there is some compelling reason for him to have one. Your older son will be old enough to drive before the 12-year-old, would you make the oldest wait until the youngest was old enough to get his license? Your 14-year-old waited 14 years for a cell phone, the youngest will have something to look forward to when he is 14! The oldest should have some extra privileges.
As for rules, they could vary by family. But we've found the following rules to be good for our family:
1) During the school week, the phone goes into the parents bedroom at 9 PM. He can have it back in the morning after he is completely ready for school.
2) The phone is to be turned off during meals, and during homework. Once homework is completed and packed for the next day, and his after-dinner chores are done, he's free to use the phone until 9 PM.
3) Determine if you will allow texting. Kids can rapidly run up a large phone bill with texting. If you do allow it, let him know how many minutes he has, and you can usually check the usage on your provider's website. We take our son's phone when his time for textiing and talking is up. We've shown him how to calculate how much talk/text time he has per day and, if he isn't conservative, he could end up with no phone for quite a while until he has his next allottment of minutes!
4) If you allow texting, you are within your rights to check messages that may be stored on the phone, if you have suspicions of illegal or dangerous activities.
5) If you require your son to pay a portion of the cell phone bill, tell him roughly what time of the month you will be collecting. If he doesn't have the money, give him a few days to come up with it, or you discontinue his service (we just turn off and confiscate the phone until our son's portion has been paid).
6) The phone is to be turned off when visiting with relatives or friends, or at other inappropriate times (movies, museums, etc.)
7) Let him know that if his grades go down, and he doesn't correct the problem fairly quickly, that he will lose cell phone privileges until his grades are back up.
These rules may be added to as needed, or amended as needed. But definitely set the ground rules and stick with them! When you overlook something once, that's a "loop hole" that kids will use: "Well, you let me before!"
* Copright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting and bullying/relational aggression questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com
Sunday, February 3, 2008
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8 comments:
Our oldest son just got his cell phone and we are using the rules that you posted. Thank you! As you suggested, we put his phone in our bedroom at 9 pm. When he checked his messages in the morning, he had 50 text messages and dozens of missed calls! These messages and calls came in at all times of the late night and early morning hours. It had not occurred to us to put the phone in our bedroom at night, and I now see the wisdom of this! Thank you for your suggestions!
I actually have to grudgingly agree with some of the rules.
Oh an while you are at it make sure you read his diary, all his emails and that he is aware that he has NO privacy. I can't think of a better way to make a teen turn into a rebel than vigilante parenting.
Hi!
I am an Au Pair and my two eldest kids have just got a cell phone this week (they are 11 and 12)
I do think it's too young but I did get my first cell phone at 12 (but I had to buy it myself and come up with the credit for it... my younger brother also got his at 12 but he got all of his paid for! So I do think that being fair in ages is good.
Anyway.. my host mom wanted to set some rules for them both and I will suggest them to her!
My 15 year old step daughter just had her cell phone which I bought and pay for her to use as she became mouthy, rebellious and demanding on what I can and cannot do in MY home. I checked her messages and she is calling me a b**** to her friends and going on about how rotten I am. Well I am now thinking this little doesn't need a cell phone does she? She should be counting her blessings she has rules to follow. Am I wrong?
@Rae- What you tolerate you will never change. How will she ever learn to appreciate and respect you if there is no form of punishment for disrespecting you. Talk to her about how what she did made you feel and explain to her why you are, (and you should) taking the cell phone away. She will probably scream at you and say nasty things but you must remain the adult in the situation. Remember, she will try you so the nastier her attitude gets the more privilages she should loose (Instant messaging, phone calls, outings with friends etc.) Truth of the matter is, while respect may be earned and not given... sometimes it has to be demanded!
@Cheaper Cell Phone. That is EXACTLY what I do. My teen gets privacy in the bathroom and when getting dressed and at assigned quiet time. IMO kids and teens don't NEED a lot of privacy, that is how they get in trouble in the first place. In our home, we spend most of our time together. Everyone has assigned "quiet time" where they can reflect and be to themselves. If my teen becomes a "rebel" I will deal with the rebellious behavior HARSHLY. We don't put up with that. Maybe if most parents actually grew a spine, there wouldn't be so many kids and teens out of control in our society. I suspect, however, that you must be a teen who wrote that comment.
As to the cell phone issue, my question is this, why does any teen or kid NEED a cell phone plan? I can understand them having a prepaid one for emergencies when they are at a friends house or driving between places. We have ONE PREPAID cell phone that we pass around in our family and it is only to be used in case of emergency (i.e. car breaks down, car accident, etc.). Most places have phones accessible for use during an emergency. However, this IS NOT a need. It is a convenience. We also keep change in our cars for those times that the phone is out of range. But, I have yet to see someone tell me that they will not call 911 or help for me in case of emergency.
People are becoming more and more detached from their kids through the use of technology and it is sad. Technology offers great tools to ASSIST us in daily living, but they should be nothing more than tools. It seems that people are allowing them to take over their lives completely. I know way too many people who feel that a cell phone is a "need" and they can't imagine their lives without them. People are really losing touch with what is important in life.
i cant believe u guys are so nosey omgsh u need to have privacy u funking freaks yes i am a 15 yr old girl and if my parents EVER went through my cell phone or diary i would bo so PISSED OFF i would probably make them even more mad by doing things that they dont aprove of and become more of a rebel
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