AskMeanMom.com

First grader kicked out of school

2009-10-12T15:03:00.005-04:00

It’s a Fork, It’s a Spoon, It’s a ... Weapon?

A 6-year-old first grader was kicked out of school. What, did he kiss a girl on the cheek? Burp too loudly? Fart? Chew gum? Nope. He is a very proud Cub Scout and proud, as most boys are, of his camping tool that functions as a spoon, a fork, and a oh-my-God--knife!!! I'm sure that eating lunch with his new tool was all that he had on his mind, but it appears that some supposedly well-intentioned folks have lost theirs. Here's a clue, school folks everywhere: Zero tolerance is bullshit. Zero tolerance equals zero common sense, which we in America seem to be sorely lacking these days.

Yes, Mean Mom is pissed off. Highly. Nice way to get this young man started on his educational path. And from reading the website his folks set up, these are very involved parents and this is one highly intelligent young man. Read for yourself here Help Zachary and then sign the petition and/or send Zachary a note.

Addendum to earlier post:I looked at the website for the school system where Zachary went to school. It says this "We must make decisions in the best interest of students. We must celebrate our successes, but we must also challenge our assumptions and chart a new, accelerated agenda for excellence. We must continue to review current strategies we have in place and use data to determine whether those strategies are working..." Read the rest here: Christina School District Sounds good but I'm thinkin' those nice words should be applied in Zachary's case.

Julie Clark
www.AskMeanMom.com
www.StopRAtoday.com

Missing the bus

2009-09-08T20:02:00.003-04:00

Q: Here it is the first few weeks of school and my 8 year old son has missed the bus four times! I've gone back to work this year and it is in the opposite direction of school. BY the time I get him into the car, stop at McDonald's for a breakfast, and drop him off, I'm 20 minutes late to work. Then I have to work late to make it up, and have to find someone to be there when my son gets off of his bus in the afternoon. What can I do? This is making me crazy!

A: For one thing, you have to realize that you're rewarding him for missing the bus...a fast food breakfast is something many kids would love and it "may" be the reason he misses the bus. I'd miss the bus if someone would take me out for coffee and a bagel.

So set the scene for him: "When your bus comes, you will be getting on it. I don't care if you are in your pajamas or barefoot but you are getting on that bus. If you miss it, it won't be pretty." Or words to that effect, as long as they are short and to the point.

Say he does miss the bus again. If you can't find someone else to drive him, you'll have to. Have a box of dry cereal (the small individual ones) and a bottle of water handy. Give them to him in the car and let him know that's breakfast. You'll save a lot of time by not stopping for breakfast.

That evening, no TV, no computer, no video games. He has dinner as soon as possible and does homework. To bed at least an hour early because if he can't catch the bus on time, he must be really, really tired. Then put your feet up, have a glass of wine.

The point is to drive him crazier than he drives you so that the madness stops...I'd also have him go to bed early on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as well so that he will be good and rested.

Missing the bus has been no real problem for him, and he was rewarded for doing so...time to pull the rug out from under and turn the tables.

Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

My daughter wants to be a vegetarian

2009-08-30T17:41:00.005-04:00

Q: Recently, my 14-year-old daughter told me that she doesn't want to eat animals anymore and wants to become a vegetarian. She has always had a soft spot for animals and wants to be a veterinarian one day. But I have three other kids and a husband to cook for and don't have the time or energy to prepare something different for her. Any advice?

A: I'm a vegetarian myself (although not a vegan) so I can give you some advice. In addition, I wrote a response to a similar question a few years ago which you can read here:
Daughter wants to experiemnt with vegetarianism

Many libraries carry magazines devoted to vegetarian eating, so have her check and see if they do. I personally like Vegetarian Times and VegNews magazines. Have her read these magazines to come up with meal ideas and then have her work with you in the kitchen to prepare them. At age 14, she is well old enough to be learning to cook. And there are many foods that are vegetarian that your family likely already enjoys.

She will need to learn about various ways to get protein and her iron and vitamin needs met. If she's truly serious about this as a lifestyle choice, then give her the responsibility for coming up with meal ideas, working with what you have planned, and preparing the meals. Working together on planning meals will be time well spent and will be a help to her when she is on her own one day...a life skill that too many young people do not have these days.

Eating vegetarian properly is a healthy way of eating so support her efforts and be there to guide her as needed, but let her assume the majority of the responsibility. She can handle it.

Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark

Daughter wants to experiment with vegetarianism

2007-07-08T13:26:00.001-04:00

Q: My 13-year-old daughter has recently decided that she no longer wants to eat meat. I'm concerned about the health risks, and trying to come up with meals for her is time consuming. Could you help with this dilemma?

A: Addressing your concerns about health risks, have her talk to your family doctor, nurse practitioner, or registered dietician. There are health benefits to eating smaller amounts of meat (especially in these days of beef recalls). But when one omits a food from their diet, others need to be added to make up for it. She will need to get her protein, iron, and vitamins from other sources. Buy her a couple of vegetarian cookbooks and books on nutrition and let her experiment.

If she is old enough to make this decision, then she is old enough to learn how to properly manage her diet so that she gets the nutrition that she needs as her body is still growing and developing. I would turn this over to your daughter. Once she has talked with a health professional, let her come up with recipes and menus. It could actually be less work for you in the long run, and could actually benefit the entire family.

Teach her kitchen safety and how to prepare foods safely, and how to store cooked foods. Teaching her the basics will give her a good foundation to something that will benefit her now and in the future when she has her own kitchen and family.

The family will likely be introduced to new foods, or foods prepared in different ways. It will be fun and provide valuable mother-daughter time for the two of you to cook together.

Copyright 2007/2009 Julie P. Clark

Son bullied in summer school

2009-08-11T13:12:00.006-04:00

Q: My 9 year old son was recently bullied by another boy in his summer school class. My son doesn't know this boy as they were not in regular classes together during the school year. My son's shirt was ripped, he received scratches (bloody) on his face and arm, and one scratch became infected so I had to take him to the doctor. This boy also tries to trip my son and calls him vulgar names. The school will not tell us who the bully is and anything else about the situation other than "it is being addressed." They will not tell me how it is being addressed, such as what consequences the bully has had, if his parents know, or what steps the school is taking to help my son. We've tried being patient but our patience is worn thin now and my son has 2 weeks left of summer school and is dreading each day. Thanks for any insight!

A: Your story is one that I hear more times than I can count. We received the same go 'round when our son was bullied in his school some years ago. The school will likely cite privacy rights so ask them what rights your son has and what your rights as a taxpaying citizen are. You're likely to get stares, dropped jaws and non-answers. For whatever reasons, schools seem bound to protect the bullies and guard their rights.

As a parent, you cannot properly protect your child until you know who the bully is...he may be a neighbor, your son may have to ride the bus or walk to school with this boy, and so on. Ask the school why they are covering up for this boy. Since your son received injuries that required a doctor, you may want to consider legal advice and letting the school know that you are seeking counsel. Rather than bullying, your son was assaulted and is the continuing target of the bully.

I would have little trust in a school who not only failed to protect my child but then also engaged in cover up and refusing to cooperate with the parents of the victim to seek solutions. In cases such as these, I suggest seeking legal counsel from a source in your area. It isn't fair that you will be inconvenienced, it isn't fair that you will likely have legal fees on top of doctor bills, it isn't fair that your son is bullied/assaulted and the school is not cooperating...I've been there, done that. Your alternatives to not seeking legal advice would be to homeschool or change schools. But changing schools is not an easy thing to do and no guarantee that it won't happen elsewhere. Homeschooling is a major undertaking and not all can do it. Just something to think about.

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Julie has written a Guide for parents, schools, and other organizations to deal with bullying/relational aggression issues:

Relational Aggression: What it is, and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It

Bullying and relational aggression in schools

2009-08-11T11:09:00.002-04:00

Check out StopRAtoday.com for info on bullying and relational aggression. For parents, teachers and others, a good resource is the Guide which I wrote, available in Word Document. It details what bullying and relational aggression is and what to do about it. Many have an idea of what bullying is but most resources are short on what to DO about it. My Guide gives ideas of what can be done which is simple, effective, and low cost.

Many anti-bullying programs cost hundreds to thousands of dollars, are difficult to implement, and often so burdensome that the program is either not followed or soon abandoned. My Guide is $15 and has suggestions/advice that is not burdensome, is simple, and low to zero cost to implement!

This Guide is good for bullying situations as well as relational aggression situations. Being proactice is key...have a program in advance that you and your parents and staff will actually use BEFORE school starts!

RelationalAggression: What it is, and what parents, schools, and other organizations can do about it

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Parenting leads to temporary insanity?

2009-08-09T18:09:00.003-04:00

Q: Hi Mean Mom. I read something interesting today and wondered what your thoughts were? Here's the article link: Parenting leads to temporary insanity

A: I think that that article accurately describes many parents that I know. I was a bit more laid back, however. I am the oldest of 7 kids, and my son wasn't born born until I was nearly 33 years old. And having survived a childhood where we walked barefoot all summer, put all manner of germy things into our mouths (I even remember trying to chew tar one hot summer day when the workers were putting in a new road...) I can't ever remember my mother ever saying the word "germs" and thought it was just fine for us children, thrown outside all day, to drink from a water hose. We rode our bikes without helmets, and our skates/skateboards without padding. And survived!

We caught crickets and worms and toads and lightnin bugs and then ate popsicles without washing our hands. I pretty much raised my son the same way. He recently turned 18 and is quite healthy. I think he only got hoof and mouth disease once. He survived.

As for the temorary insanity thing...I've pretty much blocked all of that out. I don't recall too much of the toddler years so maybe I have amnesia. But that could be from the fact that he didn't sleep from birth to 15 months old.

I'll have to give that some thought. Thanks for the article link!

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Daughter mean to friends

2009-08-09T16:33:00.002-04:00

Q: I was informed today by one of the mom's who carpools her and my kids to and from camp that my daughter, who will be 11 next weekend, told two of the girls in the car that they could not come to her birthday party. She then went on to talk about the party in front of them and even made up what would be happening (boys are NOT invited, and it is not a sleepover). It was to just be a day of cake and ice cream, swimming in the pool, and a cookout that evening followed by a singalong and roasting marshmallows. Should we cancel the party?

A: I did something something back in the dark ages...I told a girl in my class that she couldn't come to my party. When my mother heard about it she said "Oh? Susie can't come to your party? Well, guess what? There's not going to be a party this year. We'll try again next year." And that was that. There was no party that year and I learned to treat people nicer. I was trying to be a bigshot and I got brought down a peg or two.

I'd definitely cancel the party, along with talking to her about treating people better and not humiliating them. What she did is considered part of relational aggression (excluding others on purpose) and is a form of bullying. If it is the first time, keep your eyes open and nip it in the bud if you see it again. Strong consequences.

She also lied to her friends, so I would have her apologize to them for lying and for excluding them. She should say something along the lines of "I lied about boys coming to the party and I lied about it being a sleep over. I was wrong to lie. I hurt your feelings by excluding you and I'm sorry." I'd have her apologize to these girls in front of the same group in which she humiliated them. Will she be humiliated? Possibly so. But in this regard, humiliation can be a good thing...a teaching tool.

In lieu of a party on her birthday, I'd also have her do some form of community service...yard work for a neighbor, picking up trash in the neighborhood, etc. This is the age when social/relational aggression can really take hold and become much worse so act strongly now!

*Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark

Son doesn't want to go to college

2009-08-07T17:58:00.005-04:00

Q: My son is a rising senior in high school. He has stated that he does not want to go to college because he hates school and there isn't anything in college that he is interested in learning. With the economy the way it is, I feel that it is important for him to get a good education in order to get into a career. How do I convince him that college is not an option?

A: Why do you think that college is the only way to go? To be honest, watching the nightly news, with highly educated people out of a job and looking for work, helped to convince my husband and myself that college is not the only way to go. Our son is also a rising senior this fall and is definitely not interested in college.

There is more than one path to a career. There are still apprenticeships in this world, and all manner of blue (and green) collar jobs out there. There are some things that can never be outsourced to other countries.

And think of those coming out of college with mountains of debt and no certainty of a job.

As an example, my son is working at a marina and is enrolled in a marine trades program at our local community college. Once he has finished the 2 year program, he will have a valuable skill in a trade that is desperate for workers. Many marina owners will even pay for the education of their workers if they will apprentice with the owners for a certain number of years. Ths is what my son hopes to do, specializing in boat engine repair. And once he is finished with the program, he already has a job and will not have any debt, plus a skill that he can use almost anywhere in the world.

I'd highly recommend that you check out this book: Blue Collar and Proud of It: The All-in-One Resource for Finding Freedom, Financial Success, and Security Outside the Cubicle by Joe Lamacchia. You can check out his website here: Blue Collar and Proud of It.

The book and website are highly informative with a wealth of excellent information. This is the book that both my husband and I wish that we'd had years ago. We even bought 2 copies...one for our son and one for us! You and your son will benefit from this book and will help him to choose a path that will be rewarding for him, rather than stuck doing something that he doesn't love doing.

Two-year-old doesn't understand "no"

2009-07-31T10:23:00.003-04:00

Q: My son recently turned two and has become harder to deal with. The biggest problem is that he doesn't understand the word "no." We tell him to not do something and he then screams, throws himself on the floor, throws things and then does it anyway. How do we help him to understand the word "no"?

A: Your question gave me momentary flashbacks there. My son turns 18 today and believe it or not, you will survive. But I can tell you that even 18-year-olds have difficulties with the word "no."

For starters, your son absolutely knows the meaning of "no." He reacts violently when you say it. Ergo, he understands. If someone said a word to you that you didn't understand, would you react violently? Hopefully not...

He understands the word no, but he most definitely does not like it. You should always let your no mean no...don't say no and then relent. Once you start second guessing yourself or giving in because other mothers are giving you the death stare because you made Precious cry, don't give in. Don't say "no" unless you mean "no"...say what you mean and mean what you say.

Put him somewhere safe, where he can't get things to throw. Let him cry and scream. In my experience, my son always took long naps after a tantrum. He won't be 2 forever but, as I always say, some days it sure feels like it. One day he'll be a teenager and you may remember these days fondly. :)

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Daughter asks to go to bed when sitters come

2009-07-28T21:56:00.003-04:00

Q: My 2.5 year old daughter still has a hard time when my husband and I go out, roughly twice a month. As soon as we leave she tells the sitter (even if it is her Grandma) that she wants to go to bed. Is this OK? Sometimes it is at least 2 hours until her bedtime but she wants to go anyway. Grandma would love to spend time with her grand daughter so I don't know what to do!

A: I'd just go with the flow on this. She won't be 2.5 forever (although some days it may seem like it...). This is her way of coping. Some kids throw a tantrum or become belligerent and uncooperative. Forcing her to stay up and interact with Grandma could makes things worse. In time, she'll get used to the fact that you go out and you come home.

Grandma can come visit at times when you aren't going out. She can take your daughter on walks, or to the park or just hang out at home. Perhaps your sitters could do the same...visit periodically for a while just to interact and have fun with your daughter while you are home. In time, she'll probably try to get her sitters to let her stay up late!

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Are prepaid cell phones OK for pre-teens?

2009-07-25T10:04:00.007-04:00

Q: I have two girls, 9 and 11. They are spending more time going to friends' homes, to the park down the street, and the 11 year old will be doing theatre this school year and will need to call me for a ride home at different times, depending on how long practices go. There are times that it would be helpful for me for them to call me, and it would put my mind more at ease knowing they could call if they needed to. They've both been asking for cell phones for some time now and I'm just not ready to go there yet...we've told them that perhaps once they start driving that they could have a cell phone. But hearing the stories of teens, and even adults, causing accidents because of texting and driving makes me more than a little nervous! Anyway, what would you think of getting them a prepaid phone?

A: I think that there are definitely times that a prepaid can come in handy. We bought one for our son when he was about 13. It did make it easier for him to call when he needed a ride home as there just aren't that many pay phones anymore. His friends with cell phones couldn't let him use their because they had a strict allottment of minutes. So yes, I do think that prepaids have a place and can be very helpful.

I would have some rules in place about the prepaid cell, however. Initially, we bought an hour at a time on the prepaid for our son, with instructions to use it ONLY when needed. He quickly figured out how to text and ate up all of the minutes within a week. We told him that this phone was for the benefit of the entire family and that if he used up the minutes again, we would no longer pay for the minutes and if he wanted to go places and do things and wanted to call us for a ride that he would have to pay for the minutes himself. Things were fine for a while but he used up all of his minutes. We had no choice but to keep our promise and he had to stay at home or he would have to find a way home or a way to call us. He was so used to showing off with the phone that he opted to not go out for a while. He mowed some lawns, saved his allowance and earned enough for 2 hours of prepaid. He became a bit more judicious in his use of the phone.

That may be the case when you get a prepaid for your girls...the new toy will be fascinating, especially at first. What we tried to convey to our son was that cell phones can be fun but they are also a tool.

*So I would get one prepaid cell phone and make it the "family phone." Neither girl "owns" it.

*Keep it in a central location on charge, maybe in the kitchen. Since you have 2 girls, I'd suggest putting at least 2 hours on the phone for them.

*You may not need this yet, but if each girl needs to use the phone at separate times, have a sign-out/sign in sheet. Have them record the minutes on the phone when they sign out and when they sign back in.

*Keep a copy of the rules that you and your husband come up with near the phone. Print off and laminate (clear ConTac paper works well).

*Don't allow them to get used to calling or texting friends on the cell phone. Once they do they'll want to continue and use the "But you let me BEFORE!!!" line. Don't start something you don't want to become a habit.

*If both girls are out together, the oldest one should keep possession of the phone. Age has it's privileges (and responsibilities). Once you start saying "You take the phone this time and next time sister takes it" things can fall apart. "The other one dropped it!" "The other one made that call/text, not me!!" Take it from someone who is the oldest of 7 siblings!

*Let them know that a cell phone is a privilege, not a right, and can be rescinded at any time if you feel that it is being used inappropriately. If one of them uses up minutes in a non-approved manner, have them do chores to make up for it or ground them for a weekend.

Let them learn these lessons early because, believe me, there's nothing worse than having a grounded 16-year-old in the house!

**Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark

Cell phones and kids/teens

2009-07-25T10:51:00.004-04:00

Perhaps with the exception of homework questions and chores, I have gotten more questions about cell phones than anything else. Below is a list of the columns that I've published regarding the use of cell phones by kids and teens.

Cell phone rules for teens

Cell phones in school

Teens and sexting

Texting and driving

How long to keep daughter's cell phone

Cell phones, teens, and jobs

Rules for teen cell phone users

Are prepaid cell phones OK for pre-teens

*Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark

Kids driving me crazy this summer!

2009-07-17T12:16:00.004-04:00

Q: My 4 (6,8,10,12 yrs old) kids are finished with their various camps and there is still a lot of summer left. They are constantly in the house moping, complaining of being bored and bickering. I don't have a moment of peace from the time they get up until the time they decide to go to bed at night. I'd love some advice!

A: Good, because I'd love to give you some. For one thing, set a bedtime for them all. The older kids can stay up a bit later but make a rule that they have to be in their bedrooms by a certain hour. Sounds like you need to implement a routine.

As for them being in the house all of the time, my mother had a cure for that: If you stay in the house, you have to do chores. There were 7 of us kids and you can bet that as soon as dinner was over each evening, there was a rush for the door. My mother usually had to do all of those dishes alone but if any of us were rude, sullen, or hanging around the house for too long, we were pressed into dish service. The wise are taking notes here...

So, tell the kids your new rule (and you don't have to explain your reasons for the rule...you're the grown up and have no need to explain to children who aren't going to like it anyway) that, from now on, if they don't occupy themselves out of doors and stay inside that you will give them chores to do...mopping floors, dusting, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning out from under the sink, cleaning the refrigerator, and so on.

Make sure to have some outdoor activities for them...think of what was popular back in the old days: Frisbees, hula hoops (a hula hoop contest is fun and provides lots of great exercise!), water guns, balls, croquet, building a tent with old sheets or blankets, marbles, hopscotch, and so on. Bicycles if you are in an area where they can safely ride. Provide lots of activities but don't tell them what to play with. Let them use their imaginations. You could teach them to play freeze tag, Mother May I, and other games we played as kids.

Show them how to staple some sheets of paper together and draw what they see...flowers, birds, houses, trees. Teach them to collect flowers, leaves and interesting grassses, press them and then glue onto cardstock and frame them. Glue acorns or twigs on the cardstock.

Kids today are missing out on so much fun that many of us took for granted in our childhood. Let your kids have the same kind of fun. After morning chores, such as making their beds, picking up their belongings, and cleaning up after themselves at breakfast, send them outside and tell 'em to not come back until lunch time. My mom used to lock the screen door after sending us outside.

Write back in a few weeks and let me and our readers know how it went. I'd be interested in reading from others if they do this as well.

Cell phones in school

2009-05-08T13:10:00.002-04:00

Q: I'm a teacher in a small private school. The school has never had a policy on cell phone use, except during tests, because it wasn't much of a problem. But this year more students have phones with better features and have been texting and even visiting their Myspace and Facebook accounts with their phones. Any ideas on how to stop this?

A: I always have ideas. I think it would be wise for the school to come up with a policy (I know, I know...where are common sense and parents when you need them?) Send a letter home during the summer letting everyone know what the policy is regarding cell phones and what actions will be taken for any offenses. I'd envision running over them with the nearest SUV (running over the cell phones, not the students). Not doable but one can dream, eh?

I'd suggest having each student and parent sign copies of the cell phone policy to show that they know what the rules are. The first time (I wouldn't give too many chances in this regard or the policy is virtually meaningless), I would take the phone and call the parents from the phone right then and there. Most parents take calls from their children so chances are good you'd reach a parent.

Repeated infractions could possibly mean losing cell phone privileges on the campus for the rest of the year, even if it is the first week of school. A policy with no teeth is no policy at all.

In the meantime, when a student is found to be using his/her cell phone at an inappropriate time, take the cell phone until the end of the school day. These are high tech toys and students shouldn't be playing with toys in class. If the student has a repeat offense, tell the student that he/she can have the phone back when a parent comes to get it. A few times of this and maybe the parents will enforce policies of their own. One can hope.

copyright Julie P. Clark 2009
Please seek permission before using

Teens and sexting

2009-04-28T15:06:00.005-04:00

Q: My daughter's friend recently got into trouble at school for "sexting." The phone was taken away and the parents were notified. However, the parents gave the phone back to her after only a few days with instructions to "not do that again." Do you think that a warning is sufficient enough? I've only become aware of sexting recently from reports in the news and now my daughter's friend. What should we tell our daughter?

A: You tell her the same thing that you have (hopefully) told her already about social networking sites and the like: posting nude photos of oneself anywhere is inappropriate. Sending sex-related emails or texts is inappropriate. Warnings are generally not sufficient after an offense...consequences, and memorable ones, are what is needed.

You set forth your family values about what is expected and what is not tolerated. Teens need to receive the strong message that sexting is not tolerated.

I've recently revised my "cell phone rules for teens" document which may be accessed for free here: Cell Phone Rules for Teens

Give them chores to keep them busy

2009-04-12T20:14:00.002-04:00

Q: My 9 and 11 year old daughters are driving me crazy! It is nothing but constant bickering, yelling, and chasing through the house. It is impossible to get anything done (I work from home) and homeschool. The youngest will borrow something from her sister without asking and then the oldest gets mad and it becomes war on an almost daily basis. Sometimes the war lasts all day and I'm worn out. I've tried putting them in separate rooms when they start to fight but they will yell through the house, and make a mess of whatever room they are in (our house is small so they share a bedroom). I'd be grateful for any suggestions.

A: They're driving you crazy because you've let them have the keys, and they're too young too drive. Take back the keys. Instead of putting them in separate rooms as a punishment, just give them separate jobs...one can clean the bathroom while one pulls weeds. One can wash the woodwork or clean window wells while one washes the trash cans. You've just killed a lot of birds with one stone...your house is getting cleaner, your yard is looking better, they are too far apart to fight. You can work in peace. They are learning how to maintain a home.

You don't need to point out that they are being punished. But as soon as one of them starts something, give them both jobs to do. Kids these ages can do a lot...give them chores such as dusting, vaccuuming, washing woodwork, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen...look around, see what needs doing and assign them jobs.

Better than waiting for the fighting to begin, give them regular jobs (in my day they were called "chores") to do. If you haven't already, establish a routine...up, washed and dressed, breakfast. Chores or school work as your situation calls for.

Have them also begin learning to prepare meals...perhaps one can make lunch one day and her sister helps with dinner prep, and then switch the next day. They may not realize it now, and they almost certainly won't thank you for it now, but the valuable skills that they are learning in the 'classroom of the home' will serve them well in life.

Magical Toys

2008-12-20T10:40:00.002-05:00

Just read an interesting article about childhood toys. As a fifty-something who collects nostalgic toys (and around 5000 marbles!), I connected with this article. And, for the most part, my son (now 17.5) has rarely had a battery operated toy (unless it was a gift from grandparents who also supplied batteries). We bought things like wagons, tricycles, balls, blocks. As he got older, it was bikes, Frisbees, Lego's, sports equipment. Board and card games. Now that he's a teen, he prefers music and things for his car. We tried to see that he had as much of an "old-fashioned" childhood as possible. Playing in the sandbox (built by Dad) with his buddies, making mud pies...things that cost very little but are still fondly remembered.

If you haven't already bought all of your children's presents, try to keep this article in mind as you shop. As a child, our presents were: a pair of pajamas or a night gown, a book, and a toy of some sort...board game, jacks and marbles, a doll (and it did not cost more than some people in third world countries make in an entire year). That was it. We children made gifts for each other, usually an ornament depicting something about our siblings...a baseball ornament for one brother, a knitted ornament for a sister who loved knitting. When we were grown, we had those memories to take with us and begin the traditions anew in our own homes.

This is the article that I just read. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

When Toys Were Magical Without Being Pricey by Christy Oglesby

Mean Girls

2008-06-11T15:42:00.006-04:00

Q: I am a fifth grade teacher and this past year we have seen an increase in girls being mean to each other--excluding, gossiping, and verbal abuse. These girls come from a variety of home situations and I don't think that all parents would work together to help stop this. Any advice?

A: What you are describing is relational aggression, a form of bullying engaged in mostly by girls (and can start as early as preschool!). In relational aggression, girls use relationships as weapons. You can read more about that at my relational aggression website, StopRAtoday.

It doesn't matter that the girls come from a variety of homes. And there is a lot that can be done to help this situation. There should be a school-wide anti-bullying policy (relational aggression is a serious form of psychological bullying), and it should be enforced across the board...top students and athletes should not be exempt from this policy, as is sometimes the case.

Written into the policy should be the consequences for bullying...first a warning, then parents are contacted, then more severe consequences for repeat offenders. If there is no school-wide policy, adopt a policy for your classroom and get other teachers onboard as well. Students and teachers should know what constitues bullying/relational aggression. It should not vary from classroom to classroom...the policy will have little "teeth" if some offenses are winked at or ignored in some classrooms and then enforced in others.

Parents should be made aware of the policy as well, and what the consequences will be.

You are to be commended for wanting to take a more proactive approach in the coming school year. Having a plan in place will go a long way toward resolving bullying/relational aggression.

For more information on what relational aggression is and what to do about it, I invite you check out my Guide on dealing with relational aggression. It is good for schools and any organizations who deal with children...Boys and Girls Clubs, Y's, Girl Scouts, religious groups, and even for parents who would like to know more about relational aggression and what they can do.

See this page for more info on the Guide and how to order: Relational Aggression: What It As and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It

Copyright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Cell phones, teens, and jobs

2008-02-04T11:31:00.001-05:00

Q: We agree with your rules on cell phones and teens. But we now have a situation and don't know what to do. Our 16-year-old daughter has a part-time job and, because of her schedule, she needs her cell phone to know when to go in to work. We had taken her cell phone because her grades had gone down and she was spending too much time talking on the phone, especially late at night. Because she was tired, she'd over sleep and miss the bus. Then I had to drive her to school and sign her in, making me late for work!

How can we work this out?

A: The deal with our son and work was he had to have the grades we know, and his teachers know, that he is capable of before he could get a job. If his grades went down, he had to quit the job...his school work is his first job. So if her grades stay low, you may want to consider having her quit the job and focus on her grades for now.

If that, for whatever reason, is not possible, perhaps allow her to check her messages once a day, and respond only to those which are work-related. Or have her employer call her on the home land line.

As for her over sleeping and missing the bus, who said that you had to drive her in and be late to your job??? We told our son "Be ready for the bus on time, or you'll have to take a zero for the day and explain to the principal yourself why you weren't at school and take whatever consequences." Do not tell your daughter that, however, unless you will 100% back it up!!

If you want her to start being on time, continue to hold onto the cell phone and tell her that you are no longer going to drive her in and be late to your job. At 16 years of age, it won't be too much longer until she has to start prioritizing her time and committments better. By giving her doses of "the real world," you're helping her more than she will appreciate at this time!

* Copright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting and bullying/relational aggression questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts

What to do about homework?

2008-02-08T09:44:00.001-05:00

Q: My 9th grade son's grades are falling because, according to his teachers, he makes careless errors in his homework. For example, he only does part of the work because he doesn't write down his assignment and forgets part of it. Or he forgets to take his homework to school. This brings his grades down. What can we do to make him stop being careless and turn in completed homework on time? By the time I learn about it, his grades are already low. I don't want to micromanage him but it is getting ridiculous!

A: Don't think of it as micromanagement. Think of it as an intervention. Or you could think of it as breathing down his neck...teens hate that! In fact, my son started out with lots of leeway. But as he became more and more careless in doing his work, in favor of socializing, I told him that I was gonna be all over him like a tick on a dog! Now, what teen boy wants his mommy on him like that? :)

So I started thinking about the situation. I wanted to know daily how he did in school, but didn't want to burden his teachers with daily phone calls and email. I wanted information, but didn't want it to be too time consuming for the teachers.

So I created a daily homework report form for him to take to each of his core subject teachers. The report is a simple check off page and has a place for the teacher's signature. They have been great at cooperating with me on this, even writing side notes for me.

The form will tell if the student did or did not do his homework. It tells if it was complete or incomplete, if it was turned in on time, or if it was late. There is also a space for if the student did or did not participate in class. Not participating can lower his grade.

I don't give my son a lot of leeway on the homework forms. I also do not give rewards for doing his homework. He's supposed to do it. If he does, and does it on time and completely, then he gets to keep his standard of living, which includes his cell phone.

What we do for consequences: If he receives 2 "did not participate in class" during the school week, he doesn't get to use his cell phone for the weekend. If he receives even one "did not turn in homework" or "incomplete homework" then he does not use his cell phone for the weekend. If he did not participate and didn't turn in homework, he loses his cell phone for a week.

Use whatever privilege that would motivate your son. Computer time, video games, TV, socializing with friends. Something that matters big time to him. You'll be fighting the same battle for a long time if the consequence isn't sufficiently motivating.

You can see the form that I used here: Homework Form I invite anyone who can use this form to make use of it, it is free! Put your child's name where it says "student." Feel free to amend the form to your needs after copy and pasting it into a Word document.

* Copright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting and bullying/relational aggression questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts

Boring homework

2008-02-08T10:30:00.001-05:00

Q: My daughter, eighth grade, refuses to do homework because it is "boring"! She's in danger of failing because she is falling behind in classes because she doesn't pay attention and refuses to do homework. What can we do?

A: I'd refuse to do boring things for her...drive her to the mall, movies, etc., for instance. I'd refuse to do her boring laundry, I'd refuse to fix her favorite borings foods, I'd refuse to allow her boring friends to come over, or allow her to hang out with her boring friends.

If she's bored, she obviously doesn't have enough to do. Give her some boring tasks like vacuuming, mopping floors, cleaning out closets, weeding, washing windows and woodwork, cleaning out the refrigerator. She can do her homework, or do housework.

When I was 13, I mouthed off one Saturday morning about how bored I was. My stepfather made me wash every pot and pan, every dish, every utensil, glass ware, etc. And dry it. And clean the cupboards and put everything away. In a family with 9 people, that was a considerable amount of dishes! It took me all day long, into the evening. I never complained of being bored again.

While your daughter is doing housework in lieu of homework, she should not have any music, TV, or other distractions while she's working. It shouldn't take long for her to decide to do her boring homework. Especially when you remind her that the more she falls behind, the longer it will take her to catch up. If she doesn't catch up, then she could be looking at repeating eighth grade.

I know that someone will likely write in to me and say "Maybe the teen is depressed." Since you reported only that she is bored by homework, I'm assuming that she isn't depressed. However, if you think that she may be, consult with your family doctor on what to do next.

* Copright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting and bullying/relational aggression questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts

How long to keep daughter's cell phone?

2008-02-13T10:05:00.006-05:00

Q: Thanks for your suggested cell phone rules for teens! We took our daughter's cell phone because she "didn't have time" to do her chores. She asked "when will I get it back?" and I didn't know what to say, so I said she could have it back in 2 days. But we're back to where we were before...she isn't doing her chores! What now?

A: When you specify a time limit - 2 days, a week, etc., the teen will comply for the short term, or just do an okay job, biding their time until they have their phone back. Once when I had my son pull weeds for some misbehavior, he asked "How long do I have to pull weeds?" I said "One hour." An hour later, he had pulled a few weeds and gone to the bathroom 4 times. I quickly realized that I had to change from a time limit to a productivity limit. When his punishment was to pull weeds, he had to fill a 5 gallon bucket. He had to produce a certain amount of work, rather than serve a certain amount of time.

In the case of your daughter, I don't think that a time limit is going to cut it. Tell her that you want to see her doing her chores properly and on time, without reminding and nagging. That she will get her phone back after you are sure that she will take care of her responsibilities without you reminding her. Having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right. One earns privileges by being responsible. An irresponsible teen has no need for the privilege of having a cell phone.

If you have to take the cell phone because she does not do her chores, one or two days is not sufficient time for her to show that she is taking her responsibilities seriously. At least a week, but if she repeatedly neglects her responsibilities, then you can keep it longer, or decide if she is responsible enough at this time to own a cell phone.

Remember, our goal is to not punish children, but help them to grow into responsible adults.

Copyright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts

Chores for 13-year-old ADHD son

2008-02-26T10:04:00.006-05:00

Q: Can you give me some idea of what chores my 13-year-old ADHD son could do?

A: Once upon a time ago my son was 13, and was diagnosed as ADHD in elementary school. So I can say as a matter of fact that your 13-year-old son, ADHD or not, can do just about any chore you were capable of at 13. You may want to limit cooking, unless under your supervision, for a time.

He could vacuum, dust, clean windows, clean the bathrooms, mop floors...the list is endless.

For any child, ADHD or not, you can make it easier for them. When adults go into the workforce, there is usually some training involved. There's a place for everything, and everything is in its place. Appraoch the matter of chores in much the same way: Train him in one chore at a time. Show him what products to use, where rags are kept, and where to put them after they've been used. In the case of a messy job, such as cleaning windows, show him how to put down a drop cloth or newspapers.

Have all supplies in one general area. In the case of cleaning a bathroom or other multi-step jobs, write out the steps on an index card and put it on a bulletin board in the supplies area, or get a file box similar to recipe boxes. Write out all of the steps and the equipment/products needed for each job.

Let your son know what time you want him to start the job. If he neglects his chores, then you can implement the rule of "You can do what you want to do when you've done what you're supposed to do. Until he does his chores, he should not read, watch TV, talk on the phone, etc. Responsibilities before pleasure.

And if anyone thinks that an ADHD teen cannot do chores, then I would suggest renting the 1960's version of "The Miracle Worker," the story of Helen Keller. Helen, after an illness as a baby, was left Deaf and blind, and could not speak. She was wild, to say the least. There was talk of institutionalizing her. But once her teacher, Annie Sullivan, got her behavior issues under control, Helen was not only able to learn, but excelled all of her life. She learned multiple languages, including Latin, in Braille. She wrote books and travelled extensively, even abroad.

If Helen Keller, with her multiple handicaps, can learn and achieve, certainly a child diagnosed as ADHD, who is not Deaf and blind, can learn and can contribute. If Helen Keller were alive today, she may well have also been slapped with labels...and what a loss to society that would have been!

Copyright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts

Mean Mom in the Wall Street Journal!

2008-04-22T22:42:00.004-04:00

An interview with me, Julie Clark, aka The Mean Mom, was supposed to have run in last weeks Wall Street Journal, but it will now appear in the April 23, 2008 issue. It should be on page D1 of the Personal Journals section.

PS: I just checked and it is online at the link, below. The interview was boiled down to quoting me:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120891052219636621.html?mod=pj_main_hs_coll

Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts