Four-year-old runs when time to leave preschool

Q: I am a preschool teacher in a half-day program, teaching 4-year-olds. Since the end of September, one boy has begun running away when his mother comes to pick him up. She will try to coax him to leave with her but it usually ends up with her chasing him through the classroom to catch him, pick up his bag, and leave. He usually hits and kicks at her but once they are out of the classroom and on the way to the car he's fine and makes his mother promise to take him to his favorite fastfood restaurant. I found your website while searching for ways to help this child. Anything you can suggest would be accepted gratefully...now some other children are doing the same thing and it is getting chaotic and stressful to say the least!

A: Since this is a four-year-old, I'm assuming that he'll be a Kindergartener next school year. These are the years, leading up to Kindergarten, that set the stage for a successful academic experience.

Back in the dark ages, when I was a kid, Kindergarten wasn't mandatory. I did not attend Kindergarten as most of my younger siblings did. Back then "Kindergarten readiness" meant that one was potty trained and was able to clean him/herself up after using the bathroom, and washing their hands. It meant being able to tie shoelaces, deal with belt buckles and zippers. Kindergarten readiness meant learning to follow rules. It meant entering a room quietly, hanging up ones coats in the "cloakroom," putting away lunch boxes orderly. It meant learning to listen attentively to the teacher and other adults, and to listen when someone was reading. It meant knowing some colors and the difference between left and right.

Kindergarten readiness meant being ready in the social sense, rather than the academic sense. Many kids today are entering school knowing some ABCs and 123s but do not follow directions, and do not listen to adults. Who can teach children who are not listening?

In your situation, I think that I would go over the rules with the children that have hopefully been set into place at the beginning of the school year. Have them come into class quietly. Have them put their belongings down quietly. And reteach, or teach, them the procedure for leaving...if you do not have a routine, implement one. I would suggest that parents wait in the carpool line as teachers escort children to the cars and help them in. This worked very well at the Montessori and elementary schools that my son attended. This business of parents coming to the classroom is disruptive.

If that isn't possible, have the children line up and walk them to a central area where the parents meet them. The teacher takes a child by the hand and hands him/her of to the parent.

If that still isn't possible, talk with the parents of the children. Explain that it is disruptive and becoming more of a problem. Obviously the child likes being chased around the classroom and likes going out for fastfood because he decided to behave and leave as he should. Suggest to that child's mother that instead of rewarding the misbehavior that she take him home, feed him and impose a consequence for not leaving as he should.

Tell the parents that from now on (if the above suggestions are not workable for whatever reason) to wait outside the classroom door and their children will be brought to them. Take the child by the hand and hand him off to the parent.

I would also suggest having some consequences for the misbehaving child...if there is outdoor time that he loses that privilege the next day and will have to stay inside. One day of no outside, for a half day program, is not going to harm the child. Being allowed to act in an uncivilized manner and refusing to listen and cooperate will damage him far more. You can send parents to this website to read those words for themselves.

Copyright Julie P. Clark 2010

First grader kicked out of school

It’s a Fork, It’s a Spoon, It’s a ... Weapon?

A 6-year-old first grader was kicked out of school. What, did he kiss a girl on the cheek? Burp too loudly? Fart? Chew gum? Nope. He is a very proud Cub Scout and proud, as most boys are, of his camping tool that functions as a spoon, a fork, and a oh-my-God--knife!!! I'm sure that eating lunch with his new tool was all that he had on his mind, but it appears that some supposedly well-intentioned folks have lost theirs. Here's a clue, school folks everywhere: Zero tolerance is bullshit. Zero tolerance equals zero common sense, which we in America seem to be sorely lacking these days.

Yes, Mean Mom is pissed off. Highly. Nice way to get this young man started on his educational path. And from reading the website his folks set up, these are very involved parents and this is one highly intelligent young man. Read for yourself here Help Zachary and then sign the petition and/or send Zachary a note.

Addendum to earlier post:I looked at the website for the school system where Zachary went to school. It says this "We must make decisions in the best interest of students. We must celebrate our successes, but we must also challenge our assumptions and chart a new, accelerated agenda for excellence. We must continue to review current strategies we have in place and use data to determine whether those strategies are working..." Read the rest here: Christina School District Sounds good but I'm thinkin' those nice words should be applied in Zachary's case.

Julie Clark
www.AskMeanMom.com
www.StopRAtoday.com

Missing the bus

Q: Here it is the first few weeks of school and my 8 year old son has missed the bus four times! I've gone back to work this year and it is in the opposite direction of school. BY the time I get him into the car, stop at McDonald's for a breakfast, and drop him off, I'm 20 minutes late to work. Then I have to work late to make it up, and have to find someone to be there when my son gets off of his bus in the afternoon. What can I do? This is making me crazy!

A: For one thing, you have to realize that you're rewarding him for missing the bus...a fast food breakfast is something many kids would love and it "may" be the reason he misses the bus. I'd miss the bus if someone would take me out for coffee and a bagel.

So set the scene for him: "When your bus comes, you will be getting on it. I don't care if you are in your pajamas or barefoot but you are getting on that bus. If you miss it, it won't be pretty." Or words to that effect, as long as they are short and to the point.

Say he does miss the bus again. If you can't find someone else to drive him, you'll have to. Have a box of dry cereal (the small individual ones) and a bottle of water handy. Give them to him in the car and let him know that's breakfast. You'll save a lot of time by not stopping for breakfast.

That evening, no TV, no computer, no video games. He has dinner as soon as possible and does homework. To bed at least an hour early because if he can't catch the bus on time, he must be really, really tired. Then put your feet up, have a glass of wine.

The point is to drive him crazier than he drives you so that the madness stops...I'd also have him go to bed early on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as well so that he will be good and rested.

Missing the bus has been no real problem for him, and he was rewarded for doing so...time to pull the rug out from under and turn the tables.

Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

My daughter wants to be a vegetarian

Q: Recently, my 14-year-old daughter told me that she doesn't want to eat animals anymore and wants to become a vegetarian. She has always had a soft spot for animals and wants to be a veterinarian one day. But I have three other kids and a husband to cook for and don't have the time or energy to prepare something different for her. Any advice?

A: I'm a vegetarian myself (although not a vegan) so I can give you some advice. In addition, I wrote a response to a similar question a few years ago which you can read here:
Daughter wants to experiemnt with vegetarianism

Many libraries carry magazines devoted to vegetarian eating, so have her check and see if they do. I personally like Vegetarian Times and VegNews magazines. Have her read these magazines to come up with meal ideas and then have her work with you in the kitchen to prepare them. At age 14, she is well old enough to be learning to cook. And there are many foods that are vegetarian that your family likely already enjoys.

She will need to learn about various ways to get protein and her iron and vitamin needs met. If she's truly serious about this as a lifestyle choice, then give her the responsibility for coming up with meal ideas, working with what you have planned, and preparing the meals. Working together on planning meals will be time well spent and will be a help to her when she is on her own one day...a life skill that too many young people do not have these days.

Eating vegetarian properly is a healthy way of eating so support her efforts and be there to guide her as needed, but let her assume the majority of the responsibility. She can handle it.

Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark

Son bullied in summer school

Q: My 9 year old son was recently bullied by another boy in his summer school class. My son doesn't know this boy as they were not in regular classes together during the school year. My son's shirt was ripped, he received scratches (bloody) on his face and arm, and one scratch became infected so I had to take him to the doctor. This boy also tries to trip my son and calls him vulgar names. The school will not tell us who the bully is and anything else about the situation other than "it is being addressed." They will not tell me how it is being addressed, such as what consequences the bully has had, if his parents know, or what steps the school is taking to help my son. We've tried being patient but our patience is worn thin now and my son has 2 weeks left of summer school and is dreading each day. Thanks for any insight!

A: Your story is one that I hear more times than I can count. We received the same go 'round when our son was bullied in his school some years ago. The school will likely cite privacy rights so ask them what rights your son has and what your rights as a taxpaying citizen are. You're likely to get stares, dropped jaws and non-answers. For whatever reasons, schools seem bound to protect the bullies and guard their rights.

As a parent, you cannot properly protect your child until you know who the bully is...he may be a neighbor, your son may have to ride the bus or walk to school with this boy, and so on. Ask the school why they are covering up for this boy. Since your son received injuries that required a doctor, you may want to consider legal advice and letting the school know that you are seeking counsel. Rather than bullying, your son was assaulted and is the continuing target of the bully.

I would have little trust in a school who not only failed to protect my child but then also engaged in cover up and refusing to cooperate with the parents of the victim to seek solutions. In cases such as these, I suggest seeking legal counsel from a source in your area. It isn't fair that you will be inconvenienced, it isn't fair that you will likely have legal fees on top of doctor bills, it isn't fair that your son is bullied/assaulted and the school is not cooperating...I've been there, done that. Your alternatives to not seeking legal advice would be to homeschool or change schools. But changing schools is not an easy thing to do and no guarantee that it won't happen elsewhere. Homeschooling is a major undertaking and not all can do it. Just something to think about.

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Julie has written a Guide for parents, schools, and other organizations to deal with bullying/relational aggression issues:

Relational Aggression: What it is, and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It

Bullying and relational aggression in schools

Check out StopRAtoday.com for info on bullying and relational aggression. For parents, teachers and others, a good resource is the Guide which I wrote, available in Word Document. It details what bullying and relational aggression is and what to do about it. Many have an idea of what bullying is but most resources are short on what to DO about it. My Guide gives ideas of what can be done which is simple, effective, and low cost.

Many anti-bullying programs cost hundreds to thousands of dollars, are difficult to implement, and often so burdensome that the program is either not followed or soon abandoned. My Guide is $15 and has suggestions/advice that is not burdensome, is simple, and low to zero cost to implement!

This Guide is good for bullying situations as well as relational aggression situations. Being proactice is key...have a program in advance that you and your parents and staff will actually use BEFORE school starts!

RelationalAggression: What it is, and what parents, schools, and other organizations can do about it

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Parenting leads to temporary insanity?

Q: Hi Mean Mom. I read something interesting today and wondered what your thoughts were? Here's the article link: Parenting leads to temporary insanity

A: I think that that article accurately describes many parents that I know. I was a bit more laid back, however. I am the oldest of 7 kids, and my son wasn't born born until I was nearly 33 years old. And having survived a childhood where we walked barefoot all summer, put all manner of germy things into our mouths (I even remember trying to chew tar one hot summer day when the workers were putting in a new road...) I can't ever remember my mother ever saying the word "germs" and thought it was just fine for us children, thrown outside all day, to drink from a water hose. We rode our bikes without helmets, and our skates/skateboards without padding. And survived!

We caught crickets and worms and toads and lightnin bugs and then ate popsicles without washing our hands. I pretty much raised my son the same way. He recently turned 18 and is quite healthy. I think he only got hoof and mouth disease once. He survived.

As for the temorary insanity thing...I've pretty much blocked all of that out. I don't recall too much of the toddler years so maybe I have amnesia. But that could be from the fact that he didn't sleep from birth to 15 months old.

I'll have to give that some thought. Thanks for the article link!

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark