I made the decision early on in my son's life, as I noticed that keyboarding on the computer took precedence over dictionary skills, that my son would not have access to at computer a home in order to go online or to play video games. This at a time when computer use was exploding among users of all ages. So, how did that work for us? Did our son ever use a computer at home? Did he go online at home?
In the elementary years he used no computer at all at home and played no video games. We had no video games, computer or otherwise, thanks to reading books about video gamnes and computer use by children such as Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, Ph.D., High Tech Heretic by Clifford Stoll, and Endangered Minds by Jane Healy. I considered the pros and cons but ended up asking myself "When he (our son) is grown will I have regrets that he spent less time or more time on a computer?" I would have had regrets if he had spent more time on the computer. Being a big-picture kind of person, I could envision what I wanted him to be like down the road, not what would keep him happy for the moment.
In middle school, we allowed him to use a word processor but not to go online. Oh this made me real popular with teachers when I said that if they assign him homework that needs to be done online they could arrange for that on school time and property. Needless to say, he didn't have many, if any, assignments that required that he go online.
In high school, if he had assignments that required online work, he had to learn to budget his time to do it in the school media center or at the public library. The public library has just a few computers in our rural area and there's a time limit on them so he had to learn to budget his time and get his work done in the time that he had...social networking sites were a lure of course. But he soon learned that getting failing grades on assignments restricted his freedom a tad too much (old fashioned grounding works on freedom-loving teens).
Did our son want more computer time? Oh yes! We held firm as we saw how much time computer use takes from family (I work online and know how much time it can take up if one is not disciplined) time. We held firm as we saw cyberbullying come of age, kids hooking up with online predators, never to be seen again. We wouldn't leave something of value lyiing around where strangers could make off with it, why allow our vulnerable children to associate with strangers? Why take that chance?
Did our son get upset with us that he couldn't use a computer, and couldn't have one in his room? Of course. But what could he do? We are the parents, we make the rules. Many if not all of those rules are unpopular. But we as parents should have the wisdom to make rules we feel appropriate and stick to them. And when our son was 16, we did get him a computer. Did we sell out? Nope. He used the computer for his music and for word processing. He is a slow typist and it was taking too long on my computer. The difference is, his computer cannot go online. We have no high speed where we live. And there is no modem or Internet Service Provider software on his computer. It cannot go online. Ergo, he cannot go online. Even as a high school senior almost 19-year-old.
So to those who say that it is unrealistic to expect to raise a child to adulthood without letting that child have the freedom to go online, or that he will be held back or that he won't know this or that...our son is being graduated from high school in June. He will be 19 in July and in August, he is going off to trade school to learn marine electronics and boat engine repair. He will be working with his hands and brain. He's learned to manage his time, he hasn't become addicted to gaming or social networking, and he has plenty of smarts and skills that will serve him well.
Would we do this again? Yes, or course. He is not, as many of his graduating friends are, lost as to what he will do regarding further education and career skills. He's on a productive path and there will be no failure to launch here. We told him when he was growing up that he could go online as much as he wanted once he was on his own and responsible for himself and his actions. We're giving him a laptop for high school graduation...
Video games will be the next topic
Copyright Julie P Clark 2010
NOTE: I have had to close comments on this blog due to vulgarities and spammers trying to take over. Questions or comments may be sent to askmeanmom(at)gmail.com I will respond to them via this blog.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Kids rule the roost
Q: My husband's brother has 2 girls (6 and 3) who completely rule their home. They do what they want when they want, and worst of all they speak to their parents any way they want. I sometimes dread when we get together, because it is stressful and chaotic the entire time. They have almost no control over them. We don't know how to go about giving their girls discipline or instruction when they desperately need it while their parents are there but doing nothing. It is especially difficult since they treat us as the new parents who have so much to learn. I'm sure they would laugh at the thought of us giving them parenting advice. We recently had our first child, and we have already discussed ways of parenting in a completely opposite way. I'm concerned that the issue of our own children observing this behavior will become paramount in the years to come if we don't have a plan in place to address it, both with them and with our own children. Eager to hear your take on the situation.
A:That's a situation that I hear all too frequently. I'm always sorry to hear.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if the parents want to discipline
their children. Discipline requires consistent action. I think the
best that you can do would be to set firm limits of what you will and
will not tolerate in your own home. Require manners, to ask before
going into the kitchen for food or drink, to not open any doors in the
home that are closed. Whatever your rules are in your home should be
respected. The kids will internalize these lessons (they may not
always obey them!) but it will help them in the future when they
realize that they cant do whatever they want to wherever they are.
As for your own child, they will see such behavior in school. Let them
see you enfore the rules when those children are in your home, that
there are consequences for disobeying. Let them know that breaking
your rules will result in discipline.
It can be a sticky situation, I know. But make your rules, inform the
parents of your rules and when the kids are at your home, tell them
your rules--what is not allowed. Don't reward them for behaving...that
generally backfires.
Hope this helps, and thanks for writing!
A:That's a situation that I hear all too frequently. I'm always sorry to hear.
Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if the parents want to discipline
their children. Discipline requires consistent action. I think the
best that you can do would be to set firm limits of what you will and
will not tolerate in your own home. Require manners, to ask before
going into the kitchen for food or drink, to not open any doors in the
home that are closed. Whatever your rules are in your home should be
respected. The kids will internalize these lessons (they may not
always obey them!) but it will help them in the future when they
realize that they cant do whatever they want to wherever they are.
As for your own child, they will see such behavior in school. Let them
see you enfore the rules when those children are in your home, that
there are consequences for disobeying. Let them know that breaking
your rules will result in discipline.
It can be a sticky situation, I know. But make your rules, inform the
parents of your rules and when the kids are at your home, tell them
your rules--what is not allowed. Don't reward them for behaving...that
generally backfires.
Hope this helps, and thanks for writing!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Four-year-old runs when time to leave preschool
Q: I am a preschool teacher in a half-day program, teaching 4-year-olds. Since the end of September, one boy has begun running away when his mother comes to pick him up. She will try to coax him to leave with her but it usually ends up with her chasing him through the classroom to catch him, pick up his bag, and leave. He usually hits and kicks at her but once they are out of the classroom and on the way to the car he's fine and makes his mother promise to take him to his favorite fastfood restaurant. I found your website while searching for ways to help this child. Anything you can suggest would be accepted gratefully...now some other children are doing the same thing and it is getting chaotic and stressful to say the least!
A: Since this is a four-year-old, I'm assuming that he'll be a Kindergartener next school year. These are the years, leading up to Kindergarten, that set the stage for a successful academic experience.
Back in the dark ages, when I was a kid, Kindergarten wasn't mandatory. I did not attend Kindergarten as most of my younger siblings did. Back then "Kindergarten readiness" meant that one was potty trained and was able to clean him/herself up after using the bathroom, and washing their hands. It meant being able to tie shoelaces, deal with belt buckles and zippers. Kindergarten readiness meant learning to follow rules. It meant entering a room quietly, hanging up ones coats in the "cloakroom," putting away lunch boxes orderly. It meant learning to listen attentively to the teacher and other adults, and to listen when someone was reading. It meant knowing some colors and the difference between left and right.
Kindergarten readiness meant being ready in the social sense, rather than the academic sense. Many kids today are entering school knowing some ABCs and 123s but do not follow directions, and do not listen to adults. Who can teach children who are not listening?
In your situation, I think that I would go over the rules with the children that have hopefully been set into place at the beginning of the school year. Have them come into class quietly. Have them put their belongings down quietly. And reteach, or teach, them the procedure for leaving...if you do not have a routine, implement one. I would suggest that parents wait in the carpool line as teachers escort children to the cars and help them in. This worked very well at the Montessori and elementary schools that my son attended. This business of parents coming to the classroom is disruptive.
If that isn't possible, have the children line up and walk them to a central area where the parents meet them. The teacher takes a child by the hand and hands him/her of to the parent.
If that still isn't possible, talk with the parents of the children. Explain that it is disruptive and becoming more of a problem. Obviously the child likes being chased around the classroom and likes going out for fastfood because he decided to behave and leave as he should. Suggest to that child's mother that instead of rewarding the misbehavior that she take him home, feed him and impose a consequence for not leaving as he should.
Tell the parents that from now on (if the above suggestions are not workable for whatever reason) to wait outside the classroom door and their children will be brought to them. Take the child by the hand and hand him off to the parent.
I would also suggest having some consequences for the misbehaving child...if there is outdoor time that he loses that privilege the next day and will have to stay inside. One day of no outside, for a half day program, is not going to harm the child. Being allowed to act in an uncivilized manner and refusing to listen and cooperate will damage him far more. You can send parents to this website to read those words for themselves.
Copyright Julie P. Clark 2010
A: Since this is a four-year-old, I'm assuming that he'll be a Kindergartener next school year. These are the years, leading up to Kindergarten, that set the stage for a successful academic experience.
Back in the dark ages, when I was a kid, Kindergarten wasn't mandatory. I did not attend Kindergarten as most of my younger siblings did. Back then "Kindergarten readiness" meant that one was potty trained and was able to clean him/herself up after using the bathroom, and washing their hands. It meant being able to tie shoelaces, deal with belt buckles and zippers. Kindergarten readiness meant learning to follow rules. It meant entering a room quietly, hanging up ones coats in the "cloakroom," putting away lunch boxes orderly. It meant learning to listen attentively to the teacher and other adults, and to listen when someone was reading. It meant knowing some colors and the difference between left and right.
Kindergarten readiness meant being ready in the social sense, rather than the academic sense. Many kids today are entering school knowing some ABCs and 123s but do not follow directions, and do not listen to adults. Who can teach children who are not listening?
In your situation, I think that I would go over the rules with the children that have hopefully been set into place at the beginning of the school year. Have them come into class quietly. Have them put their belongings down quietly. And reteach, or teach, them the procedure for leaving...if you do not have a routine, implement one. I would suggest that parents wait in the carpool line as teachers escort children to the cars and help them in. This worked very well at the Montessori and elementary schools that my son attended. This business of parents coming to the classroom is disruptive.
If that isn't possible, have the children line up and walk them to a central area where the parents meet them. The teacher takes a child by the hand and hands him/her of to the parent.
If that still isn't possible, talk with the parents of the children. Explain that it is disruptive and becoming more of a problem. Obviously the child likes being chased around the classroom and likes going out for fastfood because he decided to behave and leave as he should. Suggest to that child's mother that instead of rewarding the misbehavior that she take him home, feed him and impose a consequence for not leaving as he should.
Tell the parents that from now on (if the above suggestions are not workable for whatever reason) to wait outside the classroom door and their children will be brought to them. Take the child by the hand and hand him off to the parent.
I would also suggest having some consequences for the misbehaving child...if there is outdoor time that he loses that privilege the next day and will have to stay inside. One day of no outside, for a half day program, is not going to harm the child. Being allowed to act in an uncivilized manner and refusing to listen and cooperate will damage him far more. You can send parents to this website to read those words for themselves.
Copyright Julie P. Clark 2010
Monday, October 12, 2009
First grader kicked out of school
It’s a Fork, It’s a Spoon, It’s a ... Weapon?
A 6-year-old first grader was kicked out of school. What, did he kiss a girl on the cheek? Burp too loudly? Fart? Chew gum? Nope. He is a very proud Cub Scout and proud, as most boys are, of his camping tool that functions as a spoon, a fork, and a oh-my-God--knife!!! I'm sure that eating lunch with his new tool was all that he had on his mind, but it appears that some supposedly well-intentioned folks have lost theirs. Here's a clue, school folks everywhere: Zero tolerance is bullshit. Zero tolerance equals zero common sense, which we in America seem to be sorely lacking these days.
Yes, Mean Mom is pissed off. Highly. Nice way to get this young man started on his educational path. And from reading the website his folks set up, these are very involved parents and this is one highly intelligent young man. Read for yourself here Help Zachary and then sign the petition and/or send Zachary a note.
Addendum to earlier post:I looked at the website for the school system where Zachary went to school. It says this "We must make decisions in the best interest of students. We must celebrate our successes, but we must also challenge our assumptions and chart a new, accelerated agenda for excellence. We must continue to review current strategies we have in place and use data to determine whether those strategies are working..." Read the rest here: Christina School District Sounds good but I'm thinkin' those nice words should be applied in Zachary's case.
Julie Clark
www.AskMeanMom.com
www.StopRAtoday.com
A 6-year-old first grader was kicked out of school. What, did he kiss a girl on the cheek? Burp too loudly? Fart? Chew gum? Nope. He is a very proud Cub Scout and proud, as most boys are, of his camping tool that functions as a spoon, a fork, and a oh-my-God--knife!!! I'm sure that eating lunch with his new tool was all that he had on his mind, but it appears that some supposedly well-intentioned folks have lost theirs. Here's a clue, school folks everywhere: Zero tolerance is bullshit. Zero tolerance equals zero common sense, which we in America seem to be sorely lacking these days.
Yes, Mean Mom is pissed off. Highly. Nice way to get this young man started on his educational path. And from reading the website his folks set up, these are very involved parents and this is one highly intelligent young man. Read for yourself here Help Zachary and then sign the petition and/or send Zachary a note.
Addendum to earlier post:I looked at the website for the school system where Zachary went to school. It says this "We must make decisions in the best interest of students. We must celebrate our successes, but we must also challenge our assumptions and chart a new, accelerated agenda for excellence. We must continue to review current strategies we have in place and use data to determine whether those strategies are working..." Read the rest here: Christina School District Sounds good but I'm thinkin' those nice words should be applied in Zachary's case.
Julie Clark
www.AskMeanMom.com
www.StopRAtoday.com
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Missing the bus
Q: Here it is the first few weeks of school and my 8 year old son has missed the bus four times! I've gone back to work this year and it is in the opposite direction of school. BY the time I get him into the car, stop at McDonald's for a breakfast, and drop him off, I'm 20 minutes late to work. Then I have to work late to make it up, and have to find someone to be there when my son gets off of his bus in the afternoon. What can I do? This is making me crazy!
A: For one thing, you have to realize that you're rewarding him for missing the bus...a fast food breakfast is something many kids would love and it "may" be the reason he misses the bus. I'd miss the bus if someone would take me out for coffee and a bagel.
So set the scene for him: "When your bus comes, you will be getting on it. I don't care if you are in your pajamas or barefoot but you are getting on that bus. If you miss it, it won't be pretty." Or words to that effect, as long as they are short and to the point.
Say he does miss the bus again. If you can't find someone else to drive him, you'll have to. Have a box of dry cereal (the small individual ones) and a bottle of water handy. Give them to him in the car and let him know that's breakfast. You'll save a lot of time by not stopping for breakfast.
That evening, no TV, no computer, no video games. He has dinner as soon as possible and does homework. To bed at least an hour early because if he can't catch the bus on time, he must be really, really tired. Then put your feet up, have a glass of wine.
The point is to drive him crazier than he drives you so that the madness stops...I'd also have him go to bed early on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as well so that he will be good and rested.
Missing the bus has been no real problem for him, and he was rewarded for doing so...time to pull the rug out from under and turn the tables.
Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark
A: For one thing, you have to realize that you're rewarding him for missing the bus...a fast food breakfast is something many kids would love and it "may" be the reason he misses the bus. I'd miss the bus if someone would take me out for coffee and a bagel.
So set the scene for him: "When your bus comes, you will be getting on it. I don't care if you are in your pajamas or barefoot but you are getting on that bus. If you miss it, it won't be pretty." Or words to that effect, as long as they are short and to the point.
Say he does miss the bus again. If you can't find someone else to drive him, you'll have to. Have a box of dry cereal (the small individual ones) and a bottle of water handy. Give them to him in the car and let him know that's breakfast. You'll save a lot of time by not stopping for breakfast.
That evening, no TV, no computer, no video games. He has dinner as soon as possible and does homework. To bed at least an hour early because if he can't catch the bus on time, he must be really, really tired. Then put your feet up, have a glass of wine.
The point is to drive him crazier than he drives you so that the madness stops...I'd also have him go to bed early on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday as well so that he will be good and rested.
Missing the bus has been no real problem for him, and he was rewarded for doing so...time to pull the rug out from under and turn the tables.
Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark
Sunday, August 30, 2009
My daughter wants to be a vegetarian
Q: Recently, my 14-year-old daughter told me that she doesn't want to eat animals anymore and wants to become a vegetarian. She has always had a soft spot for animals and wants to be a veterinarian one day. But I have three other kids and a husband to cook for and don't have the time or energy to prepare something different for her. Any advice?
A: I'm a vegetarian myself (although not a vegan) so I can give you some advice. In addition, I wrote a response to a similar question a few years ago which you can read here:
Daughter wants to experiemnt with vegetarianism
Many libraries carry magazines devoted to vegetarian eating, so have her check and see if they do. I personally like Vegetarian Times and VegNews magazines. Have her read these magazines to come up with meal ideas and then have her work with you in the kitchen to prepare them. At age 14, she is well old enough to be learning to cook. And there are many foods that are vegetarian that your family likely already enjoys.
She will need to learn about various ways to get protein and her iron and vitamin needs met. If she's truly serious about this as a lifestyle choice, then give her the responsibility for coming up with meal ideas, working with what you have planned, and preparing the meals. Working together on planning meals will be time well spent and will be a help to her when she is on her own one day...a life skill that too many young people do not have these days.
Eating vegetarian properly is a healthy way of eating so support her efforts and be there to guide her as needed, but let her assume the majority of the responsibility. She can handle it.
Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark
A: I'm a vegetarian myself (although not a vegan) so I can give you some advice. In addition, I wrote a response to a similar question a few years ago which you can read here:
Daughter wants to experiemnt with vegetarianism
Many libraries carry magazines devoted to vegetarian eating, so have her check and see if they do. I personally like Vegetarian Times and VegNews magazines. Have her read these magazines to come up with meal ideas and then have her work with you in the kitchen to prepare them. At age 14, she is well old enough to be learning to cook. And there are many foods that are vegetarian that your family likely already enjoys.
She will need to learn about various ways to get protein and her iron and vitamin needs met. If she's truly serious about this as a lifestyle choice, then give her the responsibility for coming up with meal ideas, working with what you have planned, and preparing the meals. Working together on planning meals will be time well spent and will be a help to her when she is on her own one day...a life skill that too many young people do not have these days.
Eating vegetarian properly is a healthy way of eating so support her efforts and be there to guide her as needed, but let her assume the majority of the responsibility. She can handle it.
Copyright 2009 Julie P. Clark
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Son bullied in summer school
Q: My 9 year old son was recently bullied by another boy in his summer school class. My son doesn't know this boy as they were not in regular classes together during the school year. My son's shirt was ripped, he received scratches (bloody) on his face and arm, and one scratch became infected so I had to take him to the doctor. This boy also tries to trip my son and calls him vulgar names. The school will not tell us who the bully is and anything else about the situation other than "it is being addressed." They will not tell me how it is being addressed, such as what consequences the bully has had, if his parents know, or what steps the school is taking to help my son. We've tried being patient but our patience is worn thin now and my son has 2 weeks left of summer school and is dreading each day. Thanks for any insight!
A: Your story is one that I hear more times than I can count. We received the same go 'round when our son was bullied in his school some years ago. The school will likely cite privacy rights so ask them what rights your son has and what your rights as a taxpaying citizen are. You're likely to get stares, dropped jaws and non-answers. For whatever reasons, schools seem bound to protect the bullies and guard their rights.
As a parent, you cannot properly protect your child until you know who the bully is...he may be a neighbor, your son may have to ride the bus or walk to school with this boy, and so on. Ask the school why they are covering up for this boy. Since your son received injuries that required a doctor, you may want to consider legal advice and letting the school know that you are seeking counsel. Rather than bullying, your son was assaulted and is the continuing target of the bully.
I would have little trust in a school who not only failed to protect my child but then also engaged in cover up and refusing to cooperate with the parents of the victim to seek solutions. In cases such as these, I suggest seeking legal counsel from a source in your area. It isn't fair that you will be inconvenienced, it isn't fair that you will likely have legal fees on top of doctor bills, it isn't fair that your son is bullied/assaulted and the school is not cooperating...I've been there, done that. Your alternatives to not seeking legal advice would be to homeschool or change schools. But changing schools is not an easy thing to do and no guarantee that it won't happen elsewhere. Homeschooling is a major undertaking and not all can do it. Just something to think about.
*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark
Julie has written a Guide for parents, schools, and other organizations to deal with bullying/relational aggression issues:
Relational Aggression: What it is, and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It
A: Your story is one that I hear more times than I can count. We received the same go 'round when our son was bullied in his school some years ago. The school will likely cite privacy rights so ask them what rights your son has and what your rights as a taxpaying citizen are. You're likely to get stares, dropped jaws and non-answers. For whatever reasons, schools seem bound to protect the bullies and guard their rights.
As a parent, you cannot properly protect your child until you know who the bully is...he may be a neighbor, your son may have to ride the bus or walk to school with this boy, and so on. Ask the school why they are covering up for this boy. Since your son received injuries that required a doctor, you may want to consider legal advice and letting the school know that you are seeking counsel. Rather than bullying, your son was assaulted and is the continuing target of the bully.
I would have little trust in a school who not only failed to protect my child but then also engaged in cover up and refusing to cooperate with the parents of the victim to seek solutions. In cases such as these, I suggest seeking legal counsel from a source in your area. It isn't fair that you will be inconvenienced, it isn't fair that you will likely have legal fees on top of doctor bills, it isn't fair that your son is bullied/assaulted and the school is not cooperating...I've been there, done that. Your alternatives to not seeking legal advice would be to homeschool or change schools. But changing schools is not an easy thing to do and no guarantee that it won't happen elsewhere. Homeschooling is a major undertaking and not all can do it. Just something to think about.
*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark
Julie has written a Guide for parents, schools, and other organizations to deal with bullying/relational aggression issues:
Relational Aggression: What it is, and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It
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