Q: I am a fifth grade teacher and this past year we have seen an increase in girls being mean to each other--excluding, gossiping, and verbal abuse. These girls come from a variety of home situations and I don't think that all parents would work together to help stop this. Any advice?
A: What you are describing is relational aggression, a form of bullying engaged in mostly by girls (and can start as early as preschool!). In relational aggression, girls use relationships as weapons. You can read more about that at my relational aggression website, StopRAtoday.
It doesn't matter that the girls come from a variety of homes. And there is a lot that can be done to help this situation. There should be a school-wide anti-bullying policy (relational aggression is a serious form of psychological bullying), and it should be enforced across the board...top students and athletes should not be exempt from this policy, as is sometimes the case.
Written into the policy should be the consequences for bullying...first a warning, then parents are contacted, then more severe consequences for repeat offenders. If there is no school-wide policy, adopt a policy for your classroom and get other teachers onboard as well. Students and teachers should know what constitues bullying/relational aggression. It should not vary from classroom to classroom...the policy will have little "teeth" if some offenses are winked at or ignored in some classrooms and then enforced in others.
Parents should be made aware of the policy as well, and what the consequences will be.
You are to be commended for wanting to take a more proactive approach in the coming school year. Having a plan in place will go a long way toward resolving bullying/relational aggression.
For more information on what relational aggression is and what to do about it, I invite you check out my Guide on dealing with relational aggression. It is good for schools and any organizations who deal with children...Boys and Girls Clubs, Y's, Girl Scouts, religious groups, and even for parents who would like to know more about relational aggression and what they can do.
See this page for more info on the Guide and how to order: Relational Aggression: What It As and What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It
Copyright 2008 Julie P. Clark
Julie answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Nine-year-old leaves messes
Q: My 9-year-old son is constantly leaving messes wherever he goes...shoes left in the downstairs bathroom, wet towels left on the floor, dirty dishes in the living room, and so on. School has been out for a few days now and all I do is yell at him to pick his stuff up. This is going to be a long summer and not a very fun one if this keeps up!
A: You're right, it will be a long, not fun summer if that keeps up. It sounds as if he has some long-standing bad habits and those need to be dealt with.
First off, tell him that you are no longer going to yell when he leaves messes. But that doesn't get him off of the hook. Make some new rules...no eating anywhere except at the table. Not in front of the TV or computer. Dishes must be put in the sink or washed, whichever you'd prefer him doing. He can leave the dishes on the table and leave any mess that he's made, but he has to stay at the table until the mess is cleaned up to your satisfaction. No going outside, no TV, etc.
The same with leaving his shoes or other clothing where they do not belong...the items can remain in the wrong place as long as he remains with the items. Not likely that he would want to spend much time in the bathroom, eh?
He "forgets" and makes a mess? Remind him that he has to go back and clean up the mess or stay there until it is cleaned up. Don't yell, or threaten. If the mess is not cleaned up before he goes to bed, then you can ground him from going places with his friends, eliminate TV/video games/computer, and so on...whatever it would take to motivate him to realize that it is in HIS best interests to take care of matters.
In the case of items left where they do not belong, confiscate the items and he has to perform chores to get them back. Some favorite (of parents!) chores are pulling weeds, washing woodwork, cleaning windows, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and so on. Nine is not too young to do these chores!
And train yourself not to yell. A strong parent has no reason to yell; yelling comes from weakness and loss of control. And be consistent with having him clean up his messes. Parents often have good intentions but fail to follow through. Kids realize this and will test you. Don't give up! Be a strong parent who says what they mean and mean what they say!
Julie Clark answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com
Copyright Julie P. Clark 2008
Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts
A: You're right, it will be a long, not fun summer if that keeps up. It sounds as if he has some long-standing bad habits and those need to be dealt with.
First off, tell him that you are no longer going to yell when he leaves messes. But that doesn't get him off of the hook. Make some new rules...no eating anywhere except at the table. Not in front of the TV or computer. Dishes must be put in the sink or washed, whichever you'd prefer him doing. He can leave the dishes on the table and leave any mess that he's made, but he has to stay at the table until the mess is cleaned up to your satisfaction. No going outside, no TV, etc.
The same with leaving his shoes or other clothing where they do not belong...the items can remain in the wrong place as long as he remains with the items. Not likely that he would want to spend much time in the bathroom, eh?
He "forgets" and makes a mess? Remind him that he has to go back and clean up the mess or stay there until it is cleaned up. Don't yell, or threaten. If the mess is not cleaned up before he goes to bed, then you can ground him from going places with his friends, eliminate TV/video games/computer, and so on...whatever it would take to motivate him to realize that it is in HIS best interests to take care of matters.
In the case of items left where they do not belong, confiscate the items and he has to perform chores to get them back. Some favorite (of parents!) chores are pulling weeds, washing woodwork, cleaning windows, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and so on. Nine is not too young to do these chores!
And train yourself not to yell. A strong parent has no reason to yell; yelling comes from weakness and loss of control. And be consistent with having him clean up his messes. Parents often have good intentions but fail to follow through. Kids realize this and will test you. Don't give up! Be a strong parent who says what they mean and mean what they say!
Julie Clark answers parenting questions in the members-only area of DrDaveStein.com
Copyright Julie P. Clark 2008
Are you a "mean mom," who "says what she means and means what she says"? Then let the world know! Order your Mean Mom T-shirt today, while supplies last! Two colors to choose from. Visit the order page to view photos and ordering information. Mean Mom T-shirts
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